Jaquie and The Daisy
by Spooky152
Summary: A Jack and The Beanstalk parody I wrote for English a few years ago...off-beat humor and the lot. Please Read and Review


Beans. Is it just me or do they always (along with other small veggies) appear in a story like this? Jack and the Beanstalk, Princess and the Pea. Well, now I am here to give another seed a chance to shine: the ever- popular, terrific DAISY SEED. Now, on with the story:  
  
1 Jaquie and the Daisy Seed  
  
2 Or  
  
The Wonders of Miracle Grow  
  
  
  
Once upon a time in Eastern Kentucky, there lived a boy with his parents on a bean farm. His name was Jaquie. Now, many of you may be wondering why his name was Jaquie. Well, when he was born, his mother wanted to name him Jack. A good, strong, honest name, was Jack. But, being as literate as she was, she spelled his name as being Jaq on the birth certificate. How did that turn out to be Jaquie, you ask? Well, his father, being about as literate as his wife, decided to add some letters at the end of his son's name, just to show its importance (coincidentally, his name was Ed), and so, he added the uie. But his parents still pronounced it as Jack, and he only got teased when he was at school (him being the only one in his family to complete the 3rd grade.  
  
Well, one day, Jaquie was out plowing around in his dad's John Deer, seeing how many seconds it would take him to cross the field with his foot on the accelerator and still be able to not crash into the tree on the opposite side. His father called to him from the other side of the house:  
  
"JAQUIE!"  
  
He put his foot on the accelerator, and began riding toward the house when all of a sudden  
  
CRASH!  
  
Dazed, Jaquie stood up. He wasn't riding in the tractor anymore, but had been thrown into one of the largest of a series of cow pies.  
  
Shaking, he dusted himself off. He looked up at his father, who fit the picturesque image of a farmer in his plaid shirt and ratty overalls frayed at the knees.  
  
"Yeah?" Jaquie asked.  
  
"Son, I want you to take that tractor over there and trade it," said his father, pointing to the tractor with his dirt-covered pitchfork.  
  
"Yeah?" Jaquie said.  
  
"Trade it for a cow, then trade that for a new tractor. WAIT! Scratch that. Trade it for a cow, then trade it for a dog--no! Even better a dress fo' yo' ma! NO! Back to original plan. WAIT! I need the dress. But, if the...Ok, here's the plan: Trade the tractor for the cow, buy the dress with the cow, and steal the tractor. Get it? Got it? Good! Now, son, go buy that tractor!"  
  
"Yeah..."said Jaquie slowly, trying to comprehend what his father had just said. He shrugged his shoulders and went to get back on the tractor. When seated, he started down the road, still having no idea what he was supposed to be doing.  
  
He had gotten about 20 yards form his house when a little green man ran right in front of the tractor.  
  
"You sellin' your tractor?" the little green man asked.  
  
"Yeah," said Jaquie.  
  
"Will you sell it to me for this much?" asked the little green man, pulling a hundred-dollar bill out of his pocket.  
  
Jaquie shook his head at the little green man. His face dropped, crestfallen.  
  
"Why not?" asked the little green man.  
  
Jaquie didn't reply, but shrugged his shoulders. They stood there for awhile, the little green man pondering his next move and Jaquie wondering why he was still just standing there. Then, all of a sudden, the little green man's face lit up.  
  
"How about," he said, producing a sack and box from his pocket, "I trade you these seeds and this box of Miracle Grow for your tractor?"  
  
"Yeah!" Jaquie said excitedly, after realizing that this deal answered all his problems. The two exchanged items and Jaquie had his way back to his house. Well, Jaquie got to thinkin' about how smart he was on the way back, and was so enraptured by his genius that he completely forgot about his other errands.  
  
When he finally got home, his father and mother were both waiting for him at the door. "Well?" they asked him as they ushered him inside.  
  
He pulled the bag of seeds and Miracle Grow and set them on the kitchen table. Dumbfounded silence followed.  
  
"YIPEE!"  
  
Jaquie stood, confused. He wondered why his parents were happy when he had traded a good, well-working tractor for the equivalent of $5. Something wasn't right.  
  
"Son" his father said breathlessly. "With this Miracle Grow, we can actually make money from our beans! We grew faux polyester beans before!"  
  
As his parents danced happily, Jaquie took the seeds and threw them out the window. After all, his original plan was to tick his parents off. Why didn't it work? Disgusted, he made his way to bed.  
  
The next morning, he woke up. Peering out the window, he fell back onto his straw-tick mattress. No, It couldn't be.  
  
But yes, there it was. A giant daisy, stretching towards the heavens lay, was in his front yard. Not that dumb Jack and The Beanstalk story again, he thought.  
  
But, as Jaquie's interest was peaked with curiosity, he made his way outside to climb. Halfway up, he heard a lively tune, and he scurried up even faster.  
  
When he reached the top, he looked around for the musical source. There it was, to his left.  
  
"'Ello, senore!" cried the lead in the mariachi band. There were three of them, dressed in Mexican attire with sombreros adorning their heads. "You are looking for the Magic Goat Man, are you not?"  
  
Jaquie shook his head. The lead little man turned around and bonked the other on the nose. "Dang, Bill," he said in a strong Brooklyn accent. "We're in the wrong fairy tale again."  
  
With a heave and a sigh, the little men packed up their guitars and grumbling made there way down the stem. "Apologies, senore. My brother Bill, he too stupid to read a map."  
  
"Are you Jaquie?" a booming voice asked behind him. Jaquie turned around. Behind him was an obese man dressed in a brown rabbit suit, with one ear hanging over his eye and the other standing straight up.  
  
"Yeah," said Jaquie slowly. He hadn't heard about a rabbit in Jack and the Beanstalk. Then again, he'd never read about a mariachi band there either.  
  
"Singing telegram to you from a Mr. Giant," said the man, who cleared his throat and began to sing:  
  
"My name is Joe.  
  
I am your giant for tonight  
  
For I believe the giant you ordered  
  
Is out tonight.  
  
So please listen, and handle with care,  
  
When you need a giant, Brother Joe will always be there."  
  
He took a paper from his pocket. "Hi, I'm Joe," he read. "The giant couldn't make it tonight, so he scheduled for me to take his place. Don't worry, I know all the lines."  
  
He put the paper away. "Now, Its says in this scene, you are supposed to meet the harp. Well, since she's got the day off today, I scheduled a mariachi band to take her place. Do you see them anywhere?"  
  
Jaquie pointed to the stem.  
  
"DARN! Never trust those traveling mariachi bands, you can never depend on them. Well, what's next?" he asked himself, removing a paper from his pocket. "Ok, here it is….Fee..fi..fo..fum..I smell the blood of an Englishmen." He stomped his feet around to make a lot of dramatic effect.  
  
Jaquie looked wistfully at the stem.  
  
"WAIT! I'll get it sooner or later. All right, you're supposed to start running around. Run," he said, pointing around. Jaquie, looking skeptical, started limping slowly around the cloud-room.  
  
"OK, stop!" the man barked. He rifled through his papers nervously. "Ok, now you and this harp person are supposed to escape down the stem over there. Then…I'm supposed to---WAIT! The agency never said anything about me dying in this!" The man sat down and started crying.  
  
"They want me dead," he sniffled. "They hate me so much that they'd send me out on this job. Jump-off Joe, that's what they called me before I left. They knew. And they smiled!" He burst into horrific sobs, the next louder than the first. Jaquie was annoyed even more by this, and sat down by the end of the daisy stem and started to slide down.  
  
"WAIT!" the little man barked, holding a hand up. "The giant left me news to give to you. He said first that he apologizes again for the hold up, but he had an appointment with Mickey Mouse that he could not break. Then, he said that since you tried the seeds, you'd receive a free complimentary T- shirt proclaiming "I fought the giant, won, and all I got was this lousy T- shirt." Thanks and here's his number: 1-800-Giant-Rox."  
  
Jaquie nodded at the man, who seemed to have overcome his tears and made his way back down the stem.  
  
When he got down, the daisy vanished. Jaquie looked back once more before disappearing back into his house. "Man, that was freaky," he said.  
  
THE  
  
END! 


End file.
